just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize