i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
