I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Are we still banned from the library?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
