get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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