why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
