My friends, they love my intelligence
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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