I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
