I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
