mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
