u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
