Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
