Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
