i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
my poor anus
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
