your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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