and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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