New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
