I need to stop coming to work sober
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
