You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize