I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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