im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
