yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
