Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize