It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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