i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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