just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize