if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
