Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
