we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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