if i can run in heels then i can drive
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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