I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
