too bad you live with your parents still
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
