apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
