R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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