um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
