if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
