i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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