so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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