You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
