she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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