Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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