Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
