I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
