I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
