I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
