Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
