oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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