dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
