The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
