it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
