I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
