i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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