chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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