how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
