do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
