3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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