I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
