she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize