Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize