someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
