You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
cat food counts as protein by the way
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
