If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
