He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
