just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
