My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
